


Everyone Hates a Critic

by Scytale



Category: Norse Religion & Lore, The Prose Edda - Snorri Sturluson
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Crack, Feet-Harping, Gen, Musical References, Talking Animals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 20:42:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17905280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scytale/pseuds/Scytale
Summary: Other men might quail at the idea of being tossed into a snake pit, but not Gunnar. Gunnar was kin to kings and dragon-slayers, and he could play a harp with his toes.





	Everyone Hates a Critic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sicklyscribe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sicklyscribe/gifts).



> Sicklyscribe, this is inspired by our discussion of how cracky The Prose Edda is. Please enjoy this crack fic for a canon you have never read.
> 
> To give credit where it's due: the snake's discussion of Gunnar's mad skills is a quote, almost verbatim, from you in Skype.

Other men might quail at the idea of being tossed into a snake pit, but not Gunnar. After all, Gunnar was kin to kings and dragon-slayers, and he could play a harp with his toes.

So when Gunnar learned of Atli's plans, he just arranged for a harp to be placed in the snake pit ahead of time.

Sitting in the snake pit with his hands tied, Gunnar watched the snakes slither toward him. The snakes, too many to count and each as thick as his arm, looked at him. They hissed in displeasure at this invasion of their homestead, their deadly intent clear in their slitted eyes.

Gunnar stretched his legs out, flexed his toes, and began to play. The sound of the harp rang out in a soothing stream. One by one, the snakes stopped in their tracks. They curled around each other and began sleeping like babes.

All except one.

A brown adder approached Gunnar. It reared its head up, its tongue flicking out at Gunnar.

“I don’t mean to be rude,” the snake said. “But can you play something else?”

“This song is a classic in the court of Ty,” Gunnar said.

“That's wonderful,” the snake said politely. “But it’s just too bland. It's monotonous. Can you do something more complex? Maybe some more complicated arpeggios?”

Critics, Gunnar thought. They never appreciated just how hard it was to perform. Here he was, not just harping but feet-harping for his life with impressive dexterity and mental fortitude, and the snake was criticizing his song selection.

“Sorry, no,” Gunnar said. “I'm a little limited here. I can't actually move my fourth toe on each foot.” But to placate his audience, he added a slide across the strings.

“I can tell you’re making an effort, and I appreciate that," the snake said. "But I just do not like this farping."

Then the snake lunged at Gunnar, dug a hole into his chest with its teeth, and bit him on the liver. Gunnar farped no more.

**Author's Note:**

> Apart from the snake talking, this is pretty much how it goes down.
> 
> Gunnar was indeed captured by King Atli, his brother-in-law. Atli was the brother of Gunnar's wife Brynhild (who Gunnar's friend wooed for him in disguise as Gunnar) and also the second husband of Gunnar's sister Gudrun. Atli tosses Gunnar into a snake pit with his hands tied, but Gunnar gets a harp (the book says secretly, but I'm not sure how you secretly get a harp in a public snake pit). He plays it with his toes and puts all the snakes to sleep, except one. This snake then kills him because, as D&D teaches us, swarm encounters aren't done until you've killed the whole swarm
> 
> The snake then (in Jean L Young's translation) "gnawing its way through the cartilage of his breast-bone thrust its head through the hole and buried its fangs in his liver until he was dead". Which seems a very complicated and labor-intensive way to kill someone as a snake, but what do I know.


End file.
